I Want To Be A Hero ~Mel Schweizer~

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Since I was small, I've never desired being sub-par, being a follower, another cog in the machine that is society. I've never wanted anyone to be a follower under the ideals of someone else. Of course we learn from those who've experienced life before us, but no one wants to be a copy of someone else. Yet, if I'm being honest, I've always been somewhat envious of those who are automatically charismatic. Those who are looked up to by their peers, the ones who are asked for help when fellow classmates are in a dilemma. Maybe it's because I want to be able to help. I want to be seen as smart, and be recognized that way.
I can't help but feeling small, and frankly, stupid when I can't collaborate with others- When others don't feel as though I'm intelligent enough to have a conversation with. I want to be admirable, and I want to be able to inspire others as they inspire me. I don't want to be, or think I'm above anyone, but I want to at least be seen as an equal between my peers.
I want to grow from others teaching me, and I want to help them grow the same. But no one takes the chance to get to know me. Or maybe I'm somehow unapproachable.
It's just how it's been my whole life. I want to change that part about me and become approachable. I want the chance to be someone's hero.
 Sometimes, I feel like a failure over the smallest things;
My birthday is in October so I feel so old for my grade, and feel like I need some sort of compensation for that.
My standards are too high, and I'm the only one who puts myself up to them.
I'd feel accomplished if I could help others, and if they felt they could trust my judgement, trust my words, trust my intelligence.
I want to be reliable, and someone that you can lean on, no matter who you are.
I want to be able to stand up for you and face the repercussions from others judging the situation without shying away from the up-stander lifestyle.
I've always aspired to be something better.
I want to prove that I can be better.
I'm not sure if validation and acceptance is a totally backwards way to prove to myself that I'm worth it, but it doesn't seem quite right. If I could just figure out the secret to being successful, I'd live by it every day. But I don't have that secret. I don't believe anyone really does- especially the ones who look like they do.
Even so, I can't help but want to be perfect, to be flawless.
I want to be an inspiration. But my standards are too high.
First, I have my own battle to fight. I need to feel alright before I make anyone else feel alright.
I'm so impatient for that day to come.
I need to be a hero to someone. I guess that means starting with myself.

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