Beware of the Ides of.... February? by Jordyn White

          Year after year, we celebrate the same vicious cycle of twenty-or-so holidays.  We've already celebrated two (or three if you count the Super Bowl, which I do not), and the third is ever-encroaching.  This holiday marks the most heinous and corporate of them all--Valentine's Day.  I know, what kind of cynic puts down the holiday of love?  Me.  That's who.  Besides from the usual I'm-single-and-the-holiday-has-no-meaning-to-me, I have valid reasoning to hate this holiday with all my being.  And by that, I do honestly mean that I hate Valentine's Day more than a lot of other things--I'm a rather resentful person.

          For one, Valentine's Day has a dark past.  Although the exact origin of the holiday remains unknown, historians believe it came from ancient Rome.  Look at that, all roads do lead back to Rome.  The ancient Romans celebrated "The Feast Of Lupercalia," which was a celebration of love and fertility.  That lasted three days (February 13, 14, and 15) and entailed many feast-ly things, such as naked people running around, and beating women with sticks to make them fertile!  Yes, you heard (or read) that correctly--Valentine's Day originated as a reason to beat one's wife!  The beatings weren't the only things going on at these festivities, there was also a love-pool going on.  Men would line up and draw the name of a village maiden and the two were paired together for the remainder of the festival, and if they were lucky, even longer.  Flash forward to 269 AD, and the holiday finally gets its name.  On February 14th, 269 AD, two religious men by the name of Valentine were executed for being Christian.  To wrong this right, the Catholic Church decided to hold a celebration in the persecuted Valentines' honor--St. Valentine's Day.  It was basically the same as Lupercalia, but the Christians were modestly clothed.

          Flash forward a few (thousand) more years, and the holiday has evolved yet again!  This time, however, it has evolved right into the arms of Corporate America.  As opposed to the openly corporate aspect of Christmas, Valentine's Day is now considered all about the Hallmark paper cards.  Since when did we stray so far from tradition?  Maybe I just want to hit some women with a stick this Friday!  Just kidding, that's awful.  What once was considered a pagan fertility holiday (which may or may not have involved fertility clubs), is now just another source of income for the card, flower, and chocolate companies.  Think about it--if Tom has a girlfriend and Tom's girlfriend wants flowers and chocolate, Tom is most likely going to buy her said flowers and chocolate and probably top that off with a card.  Now multiply that by 164,532,458 Tom's in the US.  It's no wonder the romance-targeting companies in America are making a killing!  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Valentine's Day is the most notoriously corporate holiday.  It's shifted from the initial meaning of fertility to one of the material possessions, much like Christmas did with the birth of Jesus versus the idea of Santa.

          All historical and economical resentment aside, Valentine's Day spreads a particular message across the globe.  That being single isn't acceptable.  That you need someone else to be "whole."  That you are, evidently, going to die alone.  Now, I've never been one to believe that I need to find my "other half," or that this idea of "other half" even exists, but this entire day reinforces the idea that you're not good enough on your own.  I've been single for 15 years, 11 months, and 16 days and I've never thought myself to be inadequate because I don't have a boyfriend.  Society, however, pressures young people all over the globe to find somebody as lonely (if not more) and attempt to complete each other.  This is, evidently, complete and utter bologna, but nonetheless, the entire month of February brings out the single in people.

          Last, but certainly not least, is the fact that we already have too many holidays in February.  Not to count or anything, but there's Groundhog's Day, Super Bowl Sunday (I redact my previous statement--I love football and it is a holiday in every sense of the word), Valentine's Day, President's Day, and the most important, the birthday of yours truly (it's the 23rd in case anyone wanted to get me anything).  These are all sandwiched between January's holidays (New Years and MLK Day) and March's holiday (St. Patrick's Day), which honestly makes the other months look puny.  Seriously, spread the love around a little bit!  We can always move George Washington's birthday to March.

          For my closing argument, I would first like to shout out Hayden Budofsky, who gave me the idea to write about words.  That's right, words.  So, Hayden, thank you for being completely useless.  I'm just kidding, you know I appreciate you very much.  The Ides of March is a common theme, almost everyone knows what they are.  But the Ides of February is even more deadly--it birthed the hands-down worst holiday out there.  Sure, throughout the course of this blog I've probably only alienated any chance I have of ever getting a boyfriend, but I believe I did justly so.  The horrors of the Love Holiday must be shown.  When the average person thinks Valentine's Day, they think of mushy feelings and perhaps a special someone.  The sad truth behind this is that Corporate America couldn't keep its hands off of the one true joy in this world--love.  Whether you believe in love or you believe in science (it's just chemicals that make us feel interested in another human thanks to evolution), we can all agree that modern Valentine's Day has drifted as far as it's roots as possible.  Perhaps that's just the hopeless romantic in me talking, though.

These just about summarize my feelings.  Via Etsy